What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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