I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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