Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
