Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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