I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
