i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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