I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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