pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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