dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize