There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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