That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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