here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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