woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
