you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
