just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
