genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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