This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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