apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
