Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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