Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
