Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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