I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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