Just fell off a train. Bad.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
