don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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