this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Randomize
