I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm gonna have a badass scar
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
