I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
