I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
