I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
