Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
