YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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