I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize