I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
