I want to have your abortion
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
