I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
