so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.Â
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
