Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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