they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
