maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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