I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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