I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
