I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
