we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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