I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
