if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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