My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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