Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize