how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We need to get me chipped asap
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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