Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
