I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
