the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
