He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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